Hail Corporate: Turning Your Blog Into A Trainwreck

Most business bloggers don’t intend to create bad blogs. I mean, they may write like corporate sellouts, but that’s not fatal. Granted, there’s usually a slow slide in post quality as your leadership team learns that everything won’t go magically viral. But in this case, we’re looking for something even greater

To create a truly awful business blog, HEED the following 15 10 commandments.

1. Never, Ever Use Images

A good blog post has a massive wall of text which makes readers cower in fear, like a great car rental agreement or insurance policy. An unbreakable wall of text, a Greek Phalanx marching down the page! If the wall of text is massive enough, people will cower in fear and do whatever you say.

It worked for the Spartans! A few rounds of Phalanx stomping and they still get movie deals two millennia later! Compare that with the soul searching Athenians, who invented democracy. When is the last time someone did a movie about the Athenians? NEVER!

Be a Blogging Spartan! Show No Weakness In Your Words!

2. Never Write in Plain English!

Make it impossible for a reader to skim your content and find the information that they want. Write long nasty paragraphs that nobody can read. Use long sentences, long words, and lots of jargon.

Subheadings, by the way, are the work of the devil. They let people quickly skim content and can reduce ad revenue. Avoid them at all costs!

3. Always Write for the Search Engines

No One Knows What It Means – But It’s Provocative!

Your SEO expert hopefully told you that using keywords several times in a post can help you get ranked for the keyword. So make sure you spread the content out through the text (payday loans) and use plenty of alternative versions of the keyword (loans for people with lousy credit).

Where were we? You gotta stuff your post full of LSI keywords! Whatever that means…

Why do we waste time or money writing for the reader? They never come back! Google is our best reader and sends us traffic! So we must repeat keywords often.

Payday Loans. Cheap Payday Loans. Help Pay My PayDay Loan.

(So help me god, this post had better not rank for Payday loans)

4. Never Monitor Traffic

Let me be very clear. Chuck Norris doesn’t use Google Analytics. So why should you?

As a certified corporate blogger and the proud recipient of a master’s degree in social media, your talent is officially on loan from God. Your words are worthy by the mere fact you have uttered them.

Under no circumstances should you ever install Google Analytics and track what people actually read. That’s just a recipe for a narcissistic implosion and massive therapy

And seriously, don’t email me asking “How do I become a certified blogger”.

5. Posting Press Releases

You know what really gets me going and makes me want to come back? A wall of press releases. Especially written by lawyers!

Seriously, those have all the authenticity of a Milli Vanilli video. A bland window in your scripted reality where everything is awesome. Generally intermixed with an insulting flavor of pandering tokenism as you attempt to please every possible constituency.

Newsflash: Real brands always have an other, some mythic counterpart to provide the driving force behind their reason to exist. It’s perfectly OK to tick a few (carefully chosen) people off in the name of upholding your brand and advancing the narrative.

It’s completely acceptable to come down off your porch and engage in heroic battle against your other. Indeed, it is your duty as a brand. Your sacred destiny.

Behold! We are engaged in heroic battle right before your eyes!

6. Never Actually Engage the Audience

Behold! The Shusher!

We all know what to do with comments and social media accounts. Turn them off!

And in the unlikely event someone leaves an actual comment, you must not reply! This is a starting point for uncontrolled debate and time-wasting! A fetid breeding ground for independent thought and critical thinking!

Remove the share buttons from your post. Turn off the forum. One way monologue in stentorian tones is the best way to guide your flock!

7. Write FORMALLY

You might be here for some light entertainment or – god forbid – an actual piece of specific information, but rest assured: I AM NOT! This is very serious business!

If you’re wondering why I’m preaching at you like a real estate lawyer on steroids, you need to respect the principle of blogger infallibility.

Anything published on the Internet is true.

You will read my extended dissertation on how to cure toe fungus or who is the best vinyl siding installer and you will learn to love it!

Write as if I am writing to a friend?

I’d rather preach like a used car commercial announcer.

7. Posting Dance Videos

Let me start by saying this next comment doesn’t apply to Zumba. If you’re reading this and you work at Zumba, go post whatever the heck you want.

As for the rest of you idiots responding to the latest Justin Timberlake trend (“Can’t Stop the Feeling”) and posting professionally made video of your office staff dancing.

You sell lawn products! Your buying audience is middle aged men! Are the grills dancing? NO! How is this even possibly a relevant audience or on message?

By the way, I’ll admit I’m jealous of the compelling economics of this content. I wish I had the budget to spunk content that likely cost a buck a view (per view, not thousand) to an audience of completely unrelated viewers. Anyone want to try to bring back Firefly? That would be even more popular and probably have similar economics…

Maybe you’ll get lucky and one of those kids will buy something for Father’s Day…

Next time, have the intern photo-shop a silly meme and post it on Reddit or Twitter….

8. Not Focusing on a Niche

Seriously, who needs an audience or message to focus on?

DANCE PARTY!

I mean, first there is our endless supply of press releases to post. After that, we can spew anything our marketing organization manages to throw together into the ether. Plus highly insightful videos from our senior leadership on how to get ahead in your career ! After that, Dance Party!

What do you mean, post fresh and original content to build authority in the topic? Cover topics in depth? But that’s boring and costs money! We’d rather have a dance party.

9. Closing Sales Rather Than Nurturing Authority

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What’s the matter, you don’t want more traffic? Do you hate money?

Don’t you know that your business is losing millions of dollars every month that the telephone isn’t sterilized!

Here’s reality. Nobody ever comes back to our website so we need to focus on getting their email as fast as possible so we can hound them for a few years.

Why invest in content and authority building? Close harder, you fools!

10. Being Original

What a pile of utter Hogwash! What is this, high school English class? Successful blogging is all about the Benjamin’s. Why should I invest hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars coming up with original themes and writing fresh content?

I can buy that junk wholesale from a content mill! Or better yet, Fiverr! Look at all this great stuff I was about to buy for five bucks! “12 Ways to Pimp Your GeoCities Page!”

Conclusion

Writing a blog can be very financially rewarding and inflate your ego to an epic level. But, if you want a blog to be successful, you must be serious about your blogging. You will need to post good quality content often and always put your readers first. You will need to buy $99 e-books on a regular basis and read them religiously.

This list is not exhaustive, though. You can never get enough tips on blogging, so keep on reading other people’s blogs to learn more and buy my $99 e-book (just kidding!). And, don’t expect overnight success. The most successful bloggers are those that are persistent and determined. The successful bloggers are those who don’t give up!